To Whoever This May Concern,

By Jalauna Phillips

I never understood fear completely.

I mean, I understand being afraid of the dark, of monsters and of heights but what about the parts of ourselves that we fear? The parts that constantly tap our shoulder and make us wonder.

Make us wonder if we are good enough, if we are strong enough, if we are capable enough.

Friendship, tap. Job, tap. Relationship, tap. Education, tap. Family, tap. Faith, tap. Dreams, tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. TAP!!

I’m starting to think my slouched shoulders have something to do with the tapping, that this dent in my chest from keeping my head down so much has something to do with the tap, tap, tapping.

I am tired of being scared.

I can stay a couple extra hours for work but I will never be able to afford an apartment with this minimum wage job. I can buy you all of the $1 items in Target’s seasonal section but I will never be able to repay you for the money and love that you have poured into me. I can stay up late working on papers that raise my grade 2% but if I miss one homework assignment, I’m down two letter grades. I can tell you how much I love you but if you don’t love me back then it doesn’t even matter. I can play all of the worship music that YouTube has to offer but I will never be the daughter of Christ that I want to be. But..

I believe that’s the whole point.

I am not supposed to be the person I think I am supposed to be.

There is a version of me that God created in my mothers womb who is perfect. That’s who I am supposed to be.

Again..that GOD CREATED, literally from his all-knowing hands, not a concept my human brain could muster up.

I cant be afraid anymore.

I cant be afraid of not being enough or not being strong enough or not being capable enough.. not even being worthy enough. The womb version of me is not afraid.

I will stay up and do my homework because I value my education not grades. I will work extra hours because I honestly probably wouldn’t be doing anything better. I will buy you gifts because I love you. Period. We don’t keep tabs in friendships. I will love you because I love you. The most reckless kind doesn’t expect anything in return. And I will worship!! Not because I have to earn my standing with God but because Jesus already did.

I am she, and she is perfect.

To whoever this may concern,

You are perfect.

You are enough.

You are capable.

You are strong enough.

You are all together beautiful my darling.

You are loved.

“Now go, for your faith has set you free!” -Jesus

My Eyes Are Set On: the day I meet the version of me that was knitted in my mothers womb.