Obligations

By Jalauna Phillips

In our society, the youngest sibling in a family always catches the most strays. I use the term “catches strays” intentionally because I feel as though the shade that is thrown our direction is oftentimes misdirected. 

You see, as the youngest in my family, I was born into a world that was already established and functioning in a particular way. My family already had their routines and nicknames. So, when it was my time to join the run, the treadmill had already been in motion for a while. 

The advantage of entering a play during the second act is that you can get familiar with the crowd before even stepping on stage. Don't get me wrong, I have always admired my siblings for paving the way. By witnessing their successes and speedbumps, I was able to understand what awaited me ahead. I knew what to say, what not to say, what parent to ask and the best time to ask it. But in doing so, I was creating and nurturing a shrunken, people pleasing altruist. 

For the longest time, literally up until this very day, I have forced myself to be a quiet, kind person who sees the best in everyone, even if they prove over and over who they really are. I make mistakes… a lot of them, but nine times out of ten, they are honest mistakes with good intentions behind them. It is my hope that the people on the other side of these mistakes can understand my humanity and gift me a little ounce of grace, so why shouldn't I do that for others?

1 John 4:4, “greater is he that is in me, than he that is in the world”

It took up until the week of my 26th birthday to fully understand this verse. I don't think this verse was written to boast. God is the infinite, all mighty creator of the universe so it makes sense that He would be bigger in the expanse that He has created than a singular being that He created. But look at what He can do with just one singular being. I believe that this scripture is saying that the Spirit of God in the heart of a faithful believer, is more aligned with the essence of God than in a world that has been engulfed in darkness. 

I believe that people deserve love and tenderness, but I am learning that everyone does not deserve the benefit of the doubt and second chances. 

Due to pursuing altruistic endeavors, I have completely neglected myself. 

I have put myself in compromising situations, opened the door to chaotic energy and made a home for myself out of boulders in rock bottom, all in the belief that a person or cause came before my own necessities and obligations. I have made myself smaller and contorted my body, mind and spirit in order to fit in this box that I believed was my place to exist in. 

But today in therapy, my therapist busted Hell wide open and set me free.

“You are allowed to take up space… no… you are obligated to take up space and demand the attention you need, but it has to come from you first”, is what this angel of a therapist said to me. 

Jalauna wept. Hard.

It wasn't my parents, or my siblings, or even this world that put me in a box. It was me, so only I have the power to give myself permission and the charge to simply be. 

If your youngest sibling is rebellious or a little too carefree, then I wish them Godspeed, because we entered this world with a map in our hands, marked with routes set out for us, except for the one that would eventually lead us back home, to ourselves. 

So, we pave our own way and still manage to make it there on time.