Love Deficiency

It’s the night before classes start, I’m watching Euphoria and of course I have something to say. This is less about Euphoria and my insomnia (currently 1am) and more about love.

I recently came across a Thomas Hardy quote that reads. “happiness was but the occasional episode in a general drama of pain.” I’m still in awe. Not because of how poetic it is but because of how sad it makes me.

I always hear people say that all they want is to be happy. As if it's more valuable than winning the lottery. Although, it is blown just as fast.

I’ve come to understand that love is a nutrient, its happiness that’s the drug.

Happiness is the “experience of joy”, not joy itself.

Just as being high is the experience of drugs, not drugs themselves.

Fleeting feelings, addictive side effects.

Don’t get me wrong, drugs can be a good thing.. sometimes. (don't do drugs kids)

Like migraine medicine or cannabis for anxiety.

The problem is when we constantly look for the high.. the relief.. the numbness.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, I didn’t realize it was a symptom of depression either. It may seem obvious to some, but for those of us who know what it's like to feel nothing at all, we know that running always start with just a step.

One step turns into two which turns into four which turns into 16 and the next thing you know, you’re in a full sprint. You can't remember where you started and you definitely don’t know where you’re headed.. and you’re too afraid to stop because if you stop, you realize how tired you are and then you collapse.

I am afraid to collapse.

Happiness isn’t what I'm chasing, love is.

Love is the nutrient that keeps most people alive.

There are so many people who are surviving off love. Not the love from one night or a few compliments. They’re living off the love that comes from feeling safe and loved in their own home. The love that comes from friends who adopt you as family. The love that comes from being wanted even when you have absolutely nothing to offer.

Love that is patient, kind, humble, good, unconditional.

Just as our recommended nutrient intake of water, proteins, fats, etc. changes as we grow older, our need for love does too.

When we are babies, we need protective love. Human babies are very helpless, but love ensures that we are taken care of.

When we are toddlers, we need provisional love. We need to be fed the right things and clothed in the right sizes. Love ensures that we are provided for.

When we are kids/school age, we need educational love. We need people to show us how to be human, teach us what’s right and wrong. Love ensures that we are taught the right things.

When we are teenagers, we need accepting love. We need to know that even with our changing hormones and acne, we are still loved. Love ensures we feel accepted.

When we are young adults, we need reassuring love. We need to know that even as we make mistakes and get our hearts broken, we are still loved. Love reminds us that we are loveable.

Give me a few decades and I can speak for the rest.

Some days were babies again. Some days we want to be carried back to our room after we’ve fallen asleep on the couch. Some days we need to be told that we are loved.

The love we need always changes but it can never be replaced.

By a drug, person, place or activity.

It's so hard.

Most days I settle for the supplement.

The love I’m talking about just seems to be in short supply.

I’m tired of searching for it, so I’m deciding to become it.

I’ll be patient, and kind, and unrelenting and all the things I need from love.

If God is love, then I guess 1 John 4:4 is true, “Greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world” or remixed to,

Greater is the love that is in me than the love that is in the world.

And that’s still kind of sad.

But Love ensures that it won't always be like this.

My Eyes are Set On: getting all the nutrients I need.

(Happiness definition : https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/happiness/definition )