Keys, Wallet, Phone

Growing up, my dad would always remind himself before walking out the door, “keys, wallet, phone.” I would always make fun of him, of course. But that all changed when I got my own car, my own money, and my own phone. Suddenly, my dad and I would be singing, ‘keys, wallet, phone,” in unison as we walked out the door.

As I grow older, I’m learning how important reminders are.

There are so many tasks to complete that storing them in my brain just isn’t enough.

Work, school, family, friends, the world, all have something for me to do.

They start my alarm and keep me up at night.

This restlessness has caused me to forget myself at home.

Most days I just feel like keys, wallet, phone. No soul, no purpose, no joy.

It’s been too long to remember when it started. All that matters is trying to find a way to end it. Finding a way to be present and in the moment, each moment.

How long did it take the people in the Allegory of the Cave to explain what coming out of such darkness felt like? What words could describe such an experience?

This lost and found season of my life feels unexplainable. One minute I’m walking out the door with my phone in hand but as I go to play music in my car, its nowhere to be found. One minute I’m walking out the door confident in who I am but as I am faced with uncertainties, I am nowhere to be found.

My 20’s have been nothing but an endless loop of lost and found.

Would it make sense if I told you that this it is the most exhausting but comforting thing?

Once I’ve found sturdy ground, an earthquake comes. Once I’ve found still water, the sea shows her teeth. Once I’ve found sticks to build a fire, the rain comes.

I am tired.

But I am also hopeful.

A therapist once told me, “You’ll be so many people before you become who you are.”

I’ve held on to that statement like a security blanket.

The fact that I’ve never been stuck in the earthquake or mouth of the sea, or rain lets me know that I will be okay.

So, when I leave my house, I look at the rocks on the road, I smile back at the sea, I let the rain fall on my face, as a reminder to remember myself, my story and the fact that everything will be okay, even if I look a little different than I did yesterday.

Just as I remember to take my keys, wallet, and phone with me everywhere I go, I am learning to take myself too.

My Eyes are Set On: Keys, Wallet, Phone, Self