Burned Out.

From a very young age I knew that I had a huge heart to help people who were in need and hurting. I decided that I would be someone who saved the world. My first “save the world” assignment was creating an Instagram account to help people who were depressed and suicidal. I started that page in 5^th grade. I would go to pages that posted “depressing” images and follow everyone who followed that account. I would comment encouraging messages and I even created a kik for people to message if they ever wanted to talk.

People would message me telling me about their parents getting a divorce, people bullying them and even sexual assault incidents. Let me remind you that I was only 11 years old. As expected, this took a huge toll on me, and I began carrying the problems of the people that I was trying to help.

A couple months into having this account, someone broke into my home. They only stole our tv but emotionally they stole a lot more. I won’t get all into the details but to say the least, my house was never the same. Its hard trying to explain what a break in does to a family. You lose a sense of security and privacy. Everyone feels exposed and vulnerable. In the family that I grew up in, we didn’t talk much about our problems, so I went to my own support system, the Instagram account that I created. But what sucked is that I was the person that everyone depended on, I didn’t want to let them down, so I didn’t tell anyone. It began to eat me alive, and I began to cope the only way I knew how, self-harm.

It wasn’t until maybe about a year later that I decided to tell someone. It was a family friend, and he understood the severity of the situation, but he also wasn’t a snitch. He helped me get a bit better and we both decided that I shouldn’t use the Instagram account anymore. That was my first humbling experience.

My second humbling experience was high school. This should be its own blog, but I don’t want to give it that much of my time. I went to a predominantly white, small Christian, conservative high school. To this day I don’t understand what possessed me to agree to go to that school. Well, my brother was three years ahead of me and he went there. He was a sports star, and everyone loved him. I was a cheerleader at the time too so going to the basketball games and seeing the cheerleaders on the sidelines mad me excided to go to high school. I went in so bright eyed, and bush tailed.

I quickly realized that I had entered hell with a fast pass. People were so openly racist and hateful it made me question myself and Christianity. My second “save the world” mission was to create a group called the #unitedfront. It was a group of mostly black people who wanted to expose the school to different cultures and social issues. We held a human trafficking awareness event, Black History chapel, Native American Powwow and so much more. One of the most attended events was a discussion on kneeling during the anthem... I was seriously out of my damn mind. My junior year, on an anonymous app, one of my peers @ me and said, “fuck black lives”. That was probably my lowest moment at the school. I bounced back and continued to be an advocate, but it took a toll on me.

I wrote my first blog post during this time in high school. It was what it felt like being “the strong friend” which is so crazy because that’s exactly how I feel now but not about my friends but about the world. Throughout college, I continued to write blog post. It wasn’t until quarantine that I realized I had a whole collection of posts. Out of boredom, I put them together and created my first book, “Eyes Set On, Being” a workbook for teens and young adults to help them navigate life and its storms. From that, I decided to host a Mental Health Awareness Event for 6^th-12^th graders. I had different nonprofits and vendors there. The point was to show the different ways to cope. Unfortunately, not too many kids showed up which really broke my heart.  I poured my heart and soul into that event just to feel defeated afterwards. My friends and family cheered me up and helped me realize that the kids who did show up got something out of it and that counts as a success.

But that took the last bit of fight that I had. It made me feel like all the work I had done for that event and prior was in vain. From the Instagram account to my book to the event. This is what led me to the burnout that I am in now. No superhero will admit that they are tired of saving the world. I know I’m no superhero, but I made a promise to myself that I would at least try. But I am so tired.

According to WebMD, burnout is “is a form of exhaustion caused by constantly feeling swamped. It’s a result of excessive and prolonged emotional, physical, and mental stress. Burnout happens when you’re overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to keep up with life’s incessant demands.”

After reading that definition I wanted to cry. I couldn’t explain to my mom why I slept all day or didn’t want to leave the house. On top of everything that I was trying to do, the world felt as though it was caving in on itself. The 2020 protests, Roe v Wade getting overturned, the talk of recession. I just can’t catch my breath.

I write to you today not to boast or even complain, but to offer comfort in these trying times. We have gone through a lot just in the past three years, not to mention the crap we’ve experienced out entire lives. We’re all tired, overworked and over stimulated. It is completely understandable to feel the way you do now. It is okay to want a break from the madness.

I don’t know how long this season will last in my life but one thing I do know is that I will keep on keeping on. Even if that’s with day three hair and a messy room. Each day that I choose to live is a win for me. Throughout this burnout I have continued to write, and it is saving my life. I don’t know what it is for you, but I pray you find it. We need each other now more than ever so do what you have to do to keep fighting.

I know I didn’t offer much advice, but I hope you find comfort in the fact that you are not alone. We are one consciousness, trying to figure this whole life thing out.

Do what you can, where you are, with what you have, and I promise everything will be alright.

My Eyes are Set On: revival and restoration

Love and Light always,

j.phillips